yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
