Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
