I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
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