she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize