I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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