im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
