oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
