She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
