how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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