I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
