I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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