This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize
