someone threw a dead crab at me
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
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