Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
