Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
