Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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