I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
