I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
