Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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