The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
