I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
