Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
not ubering you a puppy
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
