This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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