woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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