sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
