this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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