where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
