If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
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