I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
as a side note pls kill me
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
