she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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