when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Houston, we have a blender
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
3 2 1 whiskey
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
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