pop tarts are not kleenex
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
