how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Hippo gnu deer
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
