Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
