so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
