Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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