Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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