I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Pooping to opera.
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