I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
