Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
