im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I need to calm my uterus...
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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