If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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