i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
