if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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