the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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