don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
