If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
