alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
