And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
