I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
