i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
