someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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