I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
