im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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