happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
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