i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
