hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
