"it" just moved
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
