i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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